Having a baby was something that I was so against when Nate and I got married at the tender ages of 19 and 21. In fact, I was against adding to our family until in February of 2012 when I was in the process of changing gynecologists and my birth control ironically ran out during the same month. At that point I told Nate, and we both just kind of thought well we may as well try and see what happens. It's not like we weren't in a position to start a family with regards to finances, our relationship, and the usual stuff that people think about when they start to decide to add a plus one. I honestly couldn't even think of one thing to actually stop us from having a kid besides my vanity of maintaining my hot pre-pregnancy bod. (Which by the way my post-pregnancy bod is still super hot but that is another blog entry about loving your self no matter what state you are in for another time.) I knew that this was a lame and shallow reason, so Nate and I headed out on our well why not? journey that all of you have been reading about since my first blog entry.
What I didn't realize until I actually gave birth is that being parents is soooo much larger than ourselves. In the past two weeks I have felt, pondered and realized that giving birth to life is something that should not be taken for granted for there are others out there who can not. It has truly made me closer to God and made me realize that this is what living is all about. There is something phenomenal about joining the 'circle of life' that makes you appreciate your parents and all of your relatives before them even more. It also makes me realize that all of those stupid teenager emotions of not feeling loved by family or others were just that, stupid. It's stupid because the love I feel for my son is truly amazing and I know my mother feels the same way. I finally feel content in my life and what my purpose is, and for me this is a huge thing! I have struggled with years of not feeling adequate, having purpose, and knowing what life is about, but in a matter of just two weeks I no longer have those feelings of inadequacy. I know that of course there will be moments of feeling inadequate but they will be just moments, not all day, every day. It has made me feel all encompassing love that is on a higher level that I have never felt for my husband and our son. If this is not what God is, divine love, then I don't know what else He could be and I am so blessed to be experiencing it.
I asked my mom, "When will I stop checking if he is breathing?" She said, "Julia, I have a 15 year old still in my house and late at night when I wake up I still check if he is breathing. So the answer is never."
Now that's some momma love.
These past two weeks have been so great with our new little family and the emotions that have come along with it are insurmountable. Of course I have felt the usual emotions of fear and worry for our son but the second I do, I realize I have them, experience them, and then pray. That makes it better and lets me experience the great emotions that come along with being a new parent. I am trying to cherish every little thing with Lincoln because I know I will never get these tiny baby moments back. I have never been more excited in my life about being a mom and nor have I been so excited about eating, pooping, burping, and tummy time accomplishments. For now though, I'm really okay with it.
I promise next time will be the actual blog about low-medicated birth and how rewarding it is, but this is what just came out as I began typing this evening.
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| First bath and he loved it! |
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| Hard to give a bath and take a picture with the three of us but we managed. |
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| How I will always remember him. |
~Julia
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