96+ hours later...

Well let's just say my son is a slow mover...rather he moves at the pace of a snail...no rather a sloth.

On Sunday night at 11 pm I began having little tiny contractions. I knew these could not be the real deal because they were uncomfortable but I wasn't breathing heavy or having severe pain. I began timing them and they came every 20 minutes. I thought no big deal just means Lincoln will be here soon. Then I began waking up every hour on the hour, with a decent contraction and I thought, Lincoln will be here soon. 

At 6am Nate's alarm went off for work and we decided that it would be a good idea to call my mom to come stay with me 'just in case' these bad boys began to pick up. Plus, I really didn't want to be alone. I knew she was off Monday and Tuesday from work so I knew it wouldn't be a problem.

My mom, dad, sister and brother came up and we hung out just waiting and my tiny contractions began to be a consistent 10 minutes apart for a whole DAY. Yes, a whole freaking day. I obviously got zero sleep and when the morning came Nate went to work but by 10 am I was mentally exhausted. I had it! I wanted to know what the hell was going on. NOBODY and NOTHING I read told me that this could happen. So, My Mom, Nate and I went to the hospital just for peace of mind to make sure that the baby was ok. 

When we got there they assessed me. I was only 2.5cm dialated, ugh! Since I was so borderline to being admitted they told me to walk for two hours and we would then check to see if I had progressed anymore. We then spent the next two hours walking around the hospital. We went to the cafeteria, the gift shop, the outside patio, the parking lot, and all over the hospital. We walked and walked and walked and did I not say walked? I got checked again and of course no progression with my cervix. The nurse was so nice and she reassured me that Lincoln would be coming at ANY TIME all I need are a lot stronger contractions! I was happy we went because I knew what was going on and it made me feel that I was not crazy. I am in fact having contractions, they just are not strong enough to make Lincoln come out anymore than he already is.

Tuesday night my folks went home around 9 pm and that next morning, Nate's parents came up and took what I am now calling the 'parent shifts.' When they arrived that Wednesday morning, nothing had been progressing any quicker than 10 minutes still, so we went to lunch with Nate. Kim and I then went to Babies R' Us and walked the whole dang store. We then walked to Old Navy and decided to head on back to the house. During the shopping/walking excursion my contractions began to change. They went from uncomfortable zone to the "oh okay this hurts a bit" zone. Then that night things started picking up. Every contraction hurt, they had all reached the "oh okay this hurts a bit" zone. We then decided to start timing them. I was at a 7 minute holding pattern from about 3 pm to 10 pm that night. So yes, about every 7 minutes I was having a contraction. We all decided to go to bed and then at 11:30 pm I woke up and entered what I would call the "ok I'm pretty sure this is it" zone. I then timed my contractions with the handy contraction timer app and by 12:30 am I hit every five minutes. I decided then to let them go a bit more and reach the 4 minute time interval because I was not going to get sent home AGAIN! Then by 1:30 am the contraction timer showed 4 minutes intervals for each contraction and I was averaging 1 minute 3 seconds per contraction. I woke up Nate and said 'ok its time.' We took our time because for what ever reason I was under the delusion that I would not be sent back home at any costs. We were actually out the door by 1:50 and on our way.

I got assessed again and I was exactly where I was earlier Tuesday morning. DANG IT! They told me the exact same thing I got told earlier the previous day. They did give me some sweet sleeping pills and I slept for 6 hours, and that was worth the second hospital trip in my mind. 

This morning, Nate and I decided to take a walk and my neighbor, Falou, was out. She did a very calming relaxation technique that they do in her native country India, to help the baby along. It was so sweet and endearing of her, and at this point I will do anything to get this baby out. I might even ask her to do it again tomorrow, if he is not here.

Today at 3 pm I had my doctors appointment and he told me the same shit I have been hearing for almost 5 days now. It will be any day now, all you need are stronger contractions. He also made the joke that, "Oh we might have a Superbowl baby here." He then said, "Well I am kidding, but honestly I'm really not." Thanks... He also tried to be funny and say "Oh go Ravens" because Nate was wearing his 49ers hat. Nate then said, "Oh well she is a Ravens fan so I'm sure she appreciates it!" He then asked how I became a Ravens fan and I replied not so nicely, "I don't want to talk about it." Oops....probably should of been nicer, but I'm at my wits end. He then gave me permission to drug up on Benadryl until my labor gets kicked into the active category. HELL YES!

I did learn that Lincoln is down low and his head is sitting on my cervix exactly where it should be. He is in complete position to be born. I am having contractions but they are just not strong enough to do anything. I am not in false labor. My body is just not ready to push a child out yet. I need to relax, sleep and just hope my water breaks or these bad boy contractions start getting much stronger. All that's happening is my contractions are not strong enough to get out of the early labor phase and into active labor, in other words I'm basically stuck and in limbo. They don't want to induce me because he is at a nice 8-8.5 lbs and there is no actual medical reason to do it since Lincoln is just chugging along very happily. Plus, the new thing is that if there is no reason the induce they won't do it because it has been shown to make labors more complicated and is directly related to an increase in C-section rates. I think if this is the best thing for my baby and I then this is what I will do.

So this is what I have learned so far from this experience:

1. Don't read anything on the internet or in books about labor. Everybody's labor is so different and the ones they tell you about are about as average as it gets. It creates this idea of what labor is in your mind and it will drive you insane if you try to stick to it. I just got to let my body do what it does naturally and not try to force it. 

2. Parents are seriously saviors when their children need anything! I was sooooo thankful my mom and family came up and just hung out with me for two days, and that my in-laws did the same for me afterwards. I would seriously go insane if I didn't have that support and I was just hanging out by myself like this. Also, let them do stuff for you because they want to! This is not a time to be all prideful and do it by yourself. So, thank you to my parents for buying Nate and I some groceries, and to Nate's mom and Dad for the lunches/dinners and laundry that got done :) Thanks for all the emotional support as well.

3. Don't beat yourself up. I began to feel guilty about the fact that Lincoln is just so happy inside of me that he doesn't want to come out. I thought "Oh I must be a bad mom because my baby doesn't want to meet me." This is a dangerous path to take mentally and is not healthy for you or baby. It will also not lead to a nice birth experience and needs to be avoided at all costs because it truly does nothing for anybody or anything. All it does is send bad mojo out there.

4. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR! When I made the prediction of there being a 49ers/Ravens Super Bowl and that Lincoln would be born on that day, I did not seriously think it was possible...well I learned my lesson. 

5. Take things day by day. This is something I have struggled with my whole life and right now it couldn't be any more true! I really believe that this is God's way of teaching me to relax and learn to live in the moment. This experience is teaching me that, and what a better way to teach me than by the birth experience of our son!

6. Just let my body do what it knows and trust it completely! As soon as I do that I know this little, precious baby will come out of me!

Here I am in all my glory. No its not pretty, but what is going on is not pretty and this blog is all about honesty.

Julia

10 days or less

I went to my weekly appointment yesterday and I got the best news ever, Lincoln will be here in 10 days or less! Hallejuah! The RN that I have been seeing my whole pregnancy did the usual measuring, checking for Lincoln's heartbeat and what not and then asked how I was feeling. I decided now is not the time to be all "Oh I'm just great," when that's not the truth. I told her about the severe pressure I had been feeling in my hips and how it feels as if Lincoln is just going to fall out. I told her I don't even want to walk anymore because it hurts.

She then asked if I wanted to get my cervix checked even though they really don't do it until 39 weeks. I wasn't sure if I wanted to because I was so afraid that she would tell me I'm as tight as a clamshell and then I would start to cry, but we decided it was a good idea since I was showing some characteristics of early labor. Well, we found out that I'm almost completely effaced (yes!) but I'm only 1cm dilated. :( However, this really does not mean anything because his head is, no joke, chilling super low and she was actually shocked how low it was when she checked it out. She even said, "Oh! I poked his head!" and we both laughed. She was not expecting to do that with how little I am dilated. She then said the best news I have received all week, "Well he's not going to be a small baby, but we are going to try to get him to not to be a big baby. By your next appointment, if you have not gone into labor and you are only 2-3cm dilated we are going to break your membranes and try to kick start this labor because he is already 7lbs 12oz. about." YES!!! Then she said, "If that doesn't get labor started, which it usually does, then inducing is something we will have to discuss! Really at this point all you need are contractions." DOUBLE YESSSS!! OH and TRIPLE YESSS for not putting on any weight from my last appt!

I think my hopes and dreams are coming true though because this morning at 5am I woke up with horrible hip pain and back pain. I seriously could not walk regularly because I could feel my hipbones squeezing him from the inside. I was forced to walk like a duck. I could not get my legs together if I tried and I looked like I was doing a serious squatting work out. I took a bath, then a shower, and tried everything and nothing would stop it. Finally at about 11am this morning, it started to slow down and I am still having little contractions but the pressure I was experiencing has lightened back to what I have been feeling the past couple of days. It is still super intense pressure, but not like I'm squeezing my poor child's head like this morning. These are all good signs people, it means he's on his way! I say bring 'em on because if that's all I need for him to get out then damn it let's go! If Wednesday rolls around and I still feel like this, and there is still no baby, I'm going with the Beth Woods method I was told about and sucking down some castor oil!

Here I am only 5 days from the last picture and yes I think I look larger.

38 weeks and a few days, finally!

Here is also what Lincoln will look like when he's born. This picture was sent to me this morning by my MIL/monster-in-law/belle-mere. It's of Nathan when he was born. How cute and who would of thought 26 years later that little baby is having a baby to call his own! I couldn't ask for a better man to do this with.

My wonderful, sweet husband. 

Hoping my next blog is the birth of our child or me in some serious laboring pain!

~Julia

Unbelievable!

This morning I woke up and immediately turned on ESPN just to make sure that I was not dreaming yesterday. Nate and I are absolutely shocked that the Superbowl is going to be the San Francisco 49ers vs. the Baltimore Ravens! So, my prediction from all the way back in October is absolutely coming true. It's kind of eerie, but super great at the same time too. We had so much fun on Sunday just enjoying each others company and just hanging out. We started off Sunday morning by cooking ourselves some awesome football breakfast!

Cooking the french toast!

We had nutella french toast, bacon and watermelon.
Nathan's plate is the one with only french toast, he hates watermelon!

Action shot pouring the coffee.

Our reactions to the games were hilarious. When the Niners stopped the Falcons on their last drive on a 4th and 4 with only a few minutes left, Nathan got up and yelled, "Superbowl!!!" He was so excited. When the Ravens stopped the Patriots by catching an interception in the end zone I just got up and jumped around and cried a few tears of joy. Probably wasn't the best thing to be jumping around the living room, but it was genuine and so exciting I didn't care if it made Lincoln want to come out. My logic was that if my jumping caused me to go into labor it would of been even better, so a bit of jumping never hurt anybody.
Nathan was also very sweet last night because he said, "He's so happy because no matter who wins he will be happy, but of course he prefers the Niners." I have no mercy and said, "Oh I won't be happy if the Ravens lose and Niners win." Now who is the better fan? I would like to say me!

Beer and gear. Ready to go!

This was us prior to the games in all of our gear.

This was us after the game!
Don't worry domestic violence does not really occur in the household :)

I'm hoping Lincoln will come before February 3rd though because I would really like to not be pregnant when watching this epic game but alas, babies don't care. Maybe I will get my wish and not technically be pregnant on the 3rd because I will actually birth him. Either way, Nate and I are just waiting it out for him to come.

I have to say that I am getting extremely uncomfortable and I would be happy if I went into labor today or in the near future. I know the chances of this happening are slim, but heck I can hope! Every morning I wake up, I feel larger than I did the day before. Now some might say this is an exaggeration, but I seriously think its true. Each night gets harder to get out of bed and I know that it has to do with my daily expanding stomach. I'm not going to be a big baby and complain, but the two things that are really putting a dent in my day would be that I'm having really tough time sleeping and the 'practice' contractions that I have daily are really not the cats' meow. I know that these are all symptoms of a soon to be laboring woman so I guess its ok....

One other thing I have noticed that is kinda creeping me out is that my stomach is no longer cute and round. It has taken on a more square shape and it makes it really easy to identify body parts. I know where his butt, feet, knees, and shoulders are at all times. I cannot find his head because that's right its in my hips. Nate and I can actually identify where his shoulders are and where his head disappears into my hips. It's cool but creepy!

We will call this my 37.5 week photo.
 I'll be 38 weeks pregnant on Wednesday technically

All in all, things are all done for Lincoln's arrival and we are good to go. Our hospital bag is packed, Lincoln's room is complete, all the clothes are washed, we have prepped about two weeks worth of meals, we have everything we need for the first month, and now we're just waiting it out for our son! Which for me, makes time creep by ever so slowly. I'm trying to keep busy though.

Here are the cats enjoying Lincoln's new bed in his room:

They are allowed on the bed.
They are not allowed in the crib, bassinet, or any other item Lincoln will be using.

Here is a picture of all the laundry I got to do last week. Ironically my mom and I were joking that it will be the smallest load of laundry I have ever done. Well....not exactly. I had forgotten how much clothing items he had gotten from others between all the baby showers! It took me three loads to wash all the linens and clothes in our front loading high capacity washer and dryer!

Every time he pukes I'm going to throw him in a new outfit.
The couch is there for reference. 

I have another doctors appointment on Thursday so we shall see what they say. I'm not putting too much emphasis on what my doctor says because I know Lincoln is going to come when he wants to come, no matter how dilated I am and what not. I will however be putting emphasis on his weekly growth for the obvious reason of the larger the baby the larger my you know what has to get. I know it doesn't help thinking about it but I don't know how you can't!!

~Julia

Lincoln's Room and SUNDAY!

Nathan and I have finally finished Lincoln's room! Well there are still a few things I want to do, but they are not necessary to keeping Lincoln alive and healthy. I still want to buy a mobile, get a few more wall decorations and I still have to make the sign with Lincoln's name on it. I was planning on making the sign before he came, but honestly I'm not sure how I want to go about making it anymore. I'm just going to wait on that one. Some of the decorations Nathan made, and that makes it even more special to have them in his room. I will try to put the pictures in order so you can get a better idea of what the room looks like when you walk into it.

This is what you see when you walk into his room.

When you look to the left from standing in the door way.

When you look to the right from the door way.

His crib is directly across from the changing table.
It is also directly to your right when you walk into the room.

 I also am including some close ups of the decor:

Nathan actually completely re-purposed these bookshelves.
He white washed them and then added all the stained blue wood to the back.

Nathan also made the clothes hook.
I bought some cheap clothes hooks from Hobby Lobby and Nate mounted them.

Above the bed to the left.

The full size bed in his room.
The monkey is not nautical but he was my sister Nicole's and she gave him to Lincoln.
He's also wearing a red striped shirt so it looks pretty good.

Nathan cleaned up and repaired the bassinet!
It looks so good and really looks brand new.

I had my weekly appointment today and I'm disappointed to say I have put on 5 pounds since my last appointment two weeks ago! Yikes! My doctor told me its mostly water weight, so it should go away after I have Lincoln. Oh I hope so. I'm still under the recommended 25-35 pounds so its really not that big of deal and it just means I will have to work harder after he comes. I think it bothers me more than anybody else and honestly I don't think most people even care! Ha! Lincoln looks good and as of now my doctor doesn't think he will be a large baby but average size, HALLELUJAH!  He said that can change in the next two weeks though, so not to put too much emphasis on it. Next week and the week after we will really be able to get an idea, but at this point its just a waiting game. I'm impatient but I know the longer he stays in the better it is for him up to 40 weeks.

This weekend though, is the big AFC and NFC championship games and the Niners and Ravens are both playing!!! I am so looking forward to Sunday that I am even dreaming about it! See, all the way back in October I had predicted that the Niners and Ravens would both be going to the Super Bowl and with my luck I'll go into labor that day. Well, each week its super weird that this vision keeps getting closer. Nathan and I would be so excited! Plus, who wants a stupid Falcons and Patriots superbowl?? Come on, nobody does except Falcons and Patriots fans and if you choose to follow the Patriots franchise I hate you for that.  I'll be taking pictures of us celebrating or crying after Sunday so look for that.

I'm going to close this blog talking a bit of shit for the upcoming weekend. All I have to say is:

RAY LEWIS IS COMING FOR YOUR ASS TOM BRADY and BILL BELICHICK!

Suck on this Patriots!

~Julia

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A......Pregnant Lady?!?

I was fortunate enough to have my third baby shower given to me by all of Nate's aunts this past weekend. I however don't have any pictures, so when I get some I will obviously be posting a blog about that! Thanks so much to everyone who attended and got Lincoln some more great stuff. I especially want to thank Ginger, Lanette, Carolyn and Heidi for hosting and throwing together this great shower. I also want to thank my mother-in-law, or as we would jokingly say to each other my monster-in-law, for addressing all my thank you cards. I am so blessed that I have married into the Roos and Westby families!

With Lincoln's birth less than 4 weeks away, I am so looking forward to meeting him. I am also looking forward to getting my ankles back and for all the awesome extra fuzzy hair that has accompanied me during my pregnancy to go away. Now, before I go into further detail for all you ladies out there looking to get pregnant, let me just say I am soooo happy that all my hair grows in blonde.

At about 4 months, Nate and I were driving in the car and I had my feet on the dashboard. I then peered at my toes and tah dah I had toe hair. Yes, that's right I had hair on all ten of my toe knuckles. I told Nate to look at my feet and said, "Oh my lord, my feet look like hobbit feet. I think I'm going to have to start shaving them." Nate laughed and said, "Oh poor you. Good thing you don't look like Smegal." Thanks honey. The shitty thing about getting toe hair is that you really can't shave it once you hit about 8 months because you can't reach your damn toes.

Luckily for all of you that means you get to see my toe hair in all it's glory! It really used to bother me but I don't care because I know that in a few weeks I'll be able to shave it off. I would have Nate do it for me but I have too much stuff running through my head to think about it, and I'm not exactly into co-showering at this point because I'm just too big to co-shower with!

Look right at the edge of my toe = man toes.

When I read the few pregnancy books that I bought they did mention about hair growth on your nipples. Yes people your fucking nipples! That night and for several weeks, I prayed to Jesus that I would not grow hair on my nipples. I know that Jesus probably doesn't care and it's not like he would do anything to stop it because its a completely shallow prayer, but I was desperate and had to try something. I knew that it was a shallow prayer and there was not shot he was going to answer it but I think he did play a cruel joke on me.
Finally at about 5 months, when my boobs had really taken a life of their own I found 3 BLACK nipple hairs. Yes folks, 3 whole nipple hairs. Well I thought to my self, "Shit better pluck these bad boys." I did pluck them and thank the lord they never came back. Yes it hurt, and yes it was totally worth it.
I will not show you a picture of those three hairs because then this blog would become a creepy pregnancy porno site.

The only other interesting place that I grew some fuzzy wuzzies was on my belly. It's all blonde and its like a small little coat for keeping my tummy warm I guess. Its not that bad because it's not like I'm parading around in a bikini at 6+ months pregnant and the only person that sees it is Nathan and he really didn't notice.

I thought I would of been spared of random hair growth but alas, I wasn't. I am hoping though that stretch marks evade me and so far I have been lucky. Let's hope Lincoln is born at like 38-39 weeks so my skin doesn't stretch anymore!

Here is your week 37 photo update and I think I look like I'm about to pop. I'm going straight out and there is no way my son has anymore room!

Holy Crap! He is not going to be a small baby!
 I'm betting he hits 8 lbs.

Nate and I are finishing Lincolns nursery this week! I'm hoping by the end of the week I can get a blog going on that!

~Julia

Baby Shower Love and Lincoln Log

This past weekend I got blessed by another baby shower for Lincoln! There were about 25 people there and it was a nice combination of my girlfriends from up here and mom's whose kids I have been coaching for since I took the job up here in Folsom four years ago. It was so sweet and I can't thank everybody enough for all the awesome stuff Lincoln got!

We played some games, ate food, opened presents and ate cake. The cake was absolutely amazing and we got to keep the cake topper so Nate and I have had a nice dessert for the past couple of days. :)

I want to give a special shout out to Cathi and my sisters because they hosted the party and it was a success to say the least!

Yes this was a gift from my sister.
I told her that Lincoln would be wearing it when she babysits! HA!

Not sure what I'm excited about?
Maybe it was the awesome gift that is pictured below.

Diaper Cake that my cousin Sara made.
I loved it and thank you Sara

No way that Lincoln has a shot in hell to be a Niner's fan now!
Sorry Nate...actually I'm not sorry at all :)

Look at this cake! It was not only beautiful but delicious as well.

While we were having the baby shower extravaganza, my brother Zachary, my Mom and Nathan installed the new floor in Lincolns room on Saturday night. If you don't recall this is what Lincoln's room looked like after the seepage/water issue. Click Here

Well this is what it looks like now! I know the nursery is not completely done but this was the last step. It's easy peasy from here on out.

Awesome!!

A mess but at least we have a floor instead of concrete!

Lincoln is doing well I believe. He is moving a lot still but his movements are not as sharp as before. He is just running out of room! I plan on having the nursery completely done by next weekend so look for pictures of that. I kept getting told at the shower I look small for being at exactly 36 weeks today, but I think people were just being nice. The one place I'm not happy about my weight gain is my face. I'm just hoping that its water weight because my face is constantly swollen, especially in the mornings!

I know this outfit does nothing for me and my sweats are baggy.
Give me a break though I'm about to repaint the baseboards in his room.

Have a look for yourself and only 30 days left people! (I'm praying though that it will only be about 20 more days. I know its wishful thinking and I know he will come when he is ready, which is really more important than my comfort level!)

Julia

Miscarriage

I just got back from my 35 week appointment for Lincoln. I have actually lost a whole pound! Now my RN did not like this development, but since I still have a 26 total weight gain to show for it she's not too worried about it. As long as I don't keep losing weight with each consecutive appointment then I should be ok. I'm actually happy, but shocked about this because I did not hold back for the holidays. I ate enough carbs and chocolate in the past two weeks that I figured I would show a 5 lb weight gain but alas, I showed a 1 lb weight loss! I was so secretly happy about this even though my RN was not ecstatic.

The one thing that I am truly grateful through this whole experience so far is the amount of love that myself, Nate and our family and friends have shown us. I am so happy that our baby is healthy so far, and I just keep praying that we both will make it out of his birth alive, well and happy.

This blog was not only meant to be used as a way to keep track of mine and Lincoln's progress but to share some of the unflattering and flattering parts of pregnancy. In the last month I have seriously been thinking about how this blog can not only be a fun way to communicate, but also be a supportive outlet for others who might be going through a tough time through pregnancy and all the ickies that come with it. With that said, the month of December was great and thank goodness for being surrounded by family because internally I was struggling with some thoughts about what had happened this past April. Also, December would of been the month that our first baby would have been born.

Last April, right after Nate and I found out we were pregnant, I suffered a miscarriage. I was only at 7 weeks when I began miscarrying and I was only half a week away from my first appointment with the doctor. Nate and I were so excited and we even told our close immediate family members. Then while vacationing in Santa Barbara, only a few days after of sharing the news I began bleeding and bleeding heavily. The second it happened, I knew what was going on. I had started to feel ill earlier in the day and I had a slight case of the chills but I figured it was just the flu. Then a few hours later it started.

I was still able to do things but I felt exhausted, and was still holding on to some hope that the baby would make it. I mean I had heard stories of women bleeding thinking they were miscarrying and yet the baby still survived. I however was not as fortunate.

Fortunately for me we went to Easter Sunday service and it was about Resurrection and life and death. It was as if I was supposed to go to and hear this message. It was so powerful that to this day I remember it clear as day. I just sang out to him and could feel that he wasn't meaning to hurt me, but to remind that this is what life is and that it should not be taken for granted. It really helped me at the time realize that God still had our best interest at heart even if I didn't agree with him at the time.

Once my miscarriage was confirmed by a home pregnancy test and my doctor, I felt absolutely nothing. I wasn't sad, disappointed or upset. I just felt empty. Nate and I then decided to continue trying and the next month my period came as usual and I was very disappointed. I still had that empty feeling and I pushed all unpleasant feelings aside.

Then at the end of May, I had a break down in the shower of all places. I was just taking a shower and all of a sudden I began sobbing to the point where Nathan had to come see if I was ok. (He was playing video games, so you know I had to be sobbing if Nate could hear it!) I was sobbing for me, and all the feelings that I had been putting aside about the loss of our baby. I sobbed for about 15 minutes and Nate then carried me to bed and I slept the rest of the day.

Then about two weeks later in June, I found out I was pregnant again! I was so excited and knew that this time it would be okay, or rather I was hoping so desperately that it would be okay that I didn't leave my self any option but to think it.

The first four months of my pregnancy with Lincoln were emotionally difficult. I felt as if maybe I should of waited longer. I felt guilty for getting pregnant so quick after I had loss the previous baby. I also found my self not wanting to attach to him out of fear that he would go away too. At my doctors appointments where I would have a sonogram or hear his heartbeat I found my self looking at it from an outsiders view rather than a that's our baby view. I would even get so nervous going into the doctors appointments for the first five months because I knew they were going to check for a heartbeat. I was so scared that they wouldn't find it and we would have to start all over again. It was like I was watching somebody else have a baby, not me.

Then at about the 5th month I asked Nate, "Do you ever think about our first baby?" He said, "Yes of course I do, but look how blessed we are to get the one we have now. We were meant to have him."
I then told him all of my feelings about separating my self, being afraid to love Lincoln, and how I just prayed to god for strength. He then told me, "It's okay. Lincoln will make it here I know it."  I then told him that all I think about is how one day we will find out what that little soul was and how we will meet it when we go to see the Lord. Nate then looked at me and we both cried a bit for our little baby. ( I of course cried much more than Nate, he didn't actually cry just welled up. There honey I saved your manhood!)I cried as my final release to let it go and used it as permission to focus on the gift that god had given back to us.

After all of this, I still will have a hard time around the first week of April and I don't think I will ever, ever forget. It's too hard to forget.

This blog is not meant to make others feel sorry or bad, its just a story. A story that hopefully will one day help other grieving mothers. Help them see that it's normal to feel scared, worried, sad, and empty after a miscarriage. I only had one other friend who was really forthcoming to me after I had shared with her what had happened. I am hoping this blog is forthcoming and helpful to other mothers. Plus, it feels good to have it out in the world. It releases it and lets me focus my attention on the baby that the Lord actually wants us to bring into this world.

I am also asking that people pray for me in the next few weeks because even though Lincoln is doing well, I still hold a tiny bit of fear that I don't think will go away until he is delivered safely, and in our arms alive and healthy. I just have to keep trusting in the big man upstairs and know that it has it under control. I have got to surrender this, so please pray that I will!

Until next time,
Julia