Miscarriage

I just got back from my 35 week appointment for Lincoln. I have actually lost a whole pound! Now my RN did not like this development, but since I still have a 26 total weight gain to show for it she's not too worried about it. As long as I don't keep losing weight with each consecutive appointment then I should be ok. I'm actually happy, but shocked about this because I did not hold back for the holidays. I ate enough carbs and chocolate in the past two weeks that I figured I would show a 5 lb weight gain but alas, I showed a 1 lb weight loss! I was so secretly happy about this even though my RN was not ecstatic.

The one thing that I am truly grateful through this whole experience so far is the amount of love that myself, Nate and our family and friends have shown us. I am so happy that our baby is healthy so far, and I just keep praying that we both will make it out of his birth alive, well and happy.

This blog was not only meant to be used as a way to keep track of mine and Lincoln's progress but to share some of the unflattering and flattering parts of pregnancy. In the last month I have seriously been thinking about how this blog can not only be a fun way to communicate, but also be a supportive outlet for others who might be going through a tough time through pregnancy and all the ickies that come with it. With that said, the month of December was great and thank goodness for being surrounded by family because internally I was struggling with some thoughts about what had happened this past April. Also, December would of been the month that our first baby would have been born.

Last April, right after Nate and I found out we were pregnant, I suffered a miscarriage. I was only at 7 weeks when I began miscarrying and I was only half a week away from my first appointment with the doctor. Nate and I were so excited and we even told our close immediate family members. Then while vacationing in Santa Barbara, only a few days after of sharing the news I began bleeding and bleeding heavily. The second it happened, I knew what was going on. I had started to feel ill earlier in the day and I had a slight case of the chills but I figured it was just the flu. Then a few hours later it started.

I was still able to do things but I felt exhausted, and was still holding on to some hope that the baby would make it. I mean I had heard stories of women bleeding thinking they were miscarrying and yet the baby still survived. I however was not as fortunate.

Fortunately for me we went to Easter Sunday service and it was about Resurrection and life and death. It was as if I was supposed to go to and hear this message. It was so powerful that to this day I remember it clear as day. I just sang out to him and could feel that he wasn't meaning to hurt me, but to remind that this is what life is and that it should not be taken for granted. It really helped me at the time realize that God still had our best interest at heart even if I didn't agree with him at the time.

Once my miscarriage was confirmed by a home pregnancy test and my doctor, I felt absolutely nothing. I wasn't sad, disappointed or upset. I just felt empty. Nate and I then decided to continue trying and the next month my period came as usual and I was very disappointed. I still had that empty feeling and I pushed all unpleasant feelings aside.

Then at the end of May, I had a break down in the shower of all places. I was just taking a shower and all of a sudden I began sobbing to the point where Nathan had to come see if I was ok. (He was playing video games, so you know I had to be sobbing if Nate could hear it!) I was sobbing for me, and all the feelings that I had been putting aside about the loss of our baby. I sobbed for about 15 minutes and Nate then carried me to bed and I slept the rest of the day.

Then about two weeks later in June, I found out I was pregnant again! I was so excited and knew that this time it would be okay, or rather I was hoping so desperately that it would be okay that I didn't leave my self any option but to think it.

The first four months of my pregnancy with Lincoln were emotionally difficult. I felt as if maybe I should of waited longer. I felt guilty for getting pregnant so quick after I had loss the previous baby. I also found my self not wanting to attach to him out of fear that he would go away too. At my doctors appointments where I would have a sonogram or hear his heartbeat I found my self looking at it from an outsiders view rather than a that's our baby view. I would even get so nervous going into the doctors appointments for the first five months because I knew they were going to check for a heartbeat. I was so scared that they wouldn't find it and we would have to start all over again. It was like I was watching somebody else have a baby, not me.

Then at about the 5th month I asked Nate, "Do you ever think about our first baby?" He said, "Yes of course I do, but look how blessed we are to get the one we have now. We were meant to have him."
I then told him all of my feelings about separating my self, being afraid to love Lincoln, and how I just prayed to god for strength. He then told me, "It's okay. Lincoln will make it here I know it."  I then told him that all I think about is how one day we will find out what that little soul was and how we will meet it when we go to see the Lord. Nate then looked at me and we both cried a bit for our little baby. ( I of course cried much more than Nate, he didn't actually cry just welled up. There honey I saved your manhood!)I cried as my final release to let it go and used it as permission to focus on the gift that god had given back to us.

After all of this, I still will have a hard time around the first week of April and I don't think I will ever, ever forget. It's too hard to forget.

This blog is not meant to make others feel sorry or bad, its just a story. A story that hopefully will one day help other grieving mothers. Help them see that it's normal to feel scared, worried, sad, and empty after a miscarriage. I only had one other friend who was really forthcoming to me after I had shared with her what had happened. I am hoping this blog is forthcoming and helpful to other mothers. Plus, it feels good to have it out in the world. It releases it and lets me focus my attention on the baby that the Lord actually wants us to bring into this world.

I am also asking that people pray for me in the next few weeks because even though Lincoln is doing well, I still hold a tiny bit of fear that I don't think will go away until he is delivered safely, and in our arms alive and healthy. I just have to keep trusting in the big man upstairs and know that it has it under control. I have got to surrender this, so please pray that I will!

Until next time,
Julia